Pulling Apart My Codependency Pt 1

I’ve battled with codependency for as long as I can remember. I didn’t have the right language to describe it until Covid came along and 2020 and broke every crutch I’ve ever built and come to intimately know. It’s only been recently that I’ve given it a name, but even with a name, I’m only now beginning to dip my toe into getting to know this side of who I am. This series is a documentation of the long, careful process of pulling apart my codependency so I can recreate meaning for all aspects of my life. Thanks for joining part 1 of this journey.

For as long as I can remember was there has been something inside me that’s felt bad, ugly, disgusting, and weak. I never questioned it. All I knew was I didn’t want it. So naturally I ran in the opposite direction and wound up at the extreme opposite end of everything I thought that those things represented.

To prove I wasn’t bad, I became good. I was good at being good and doing the right thing, and good at everything the world told me was important. It didn’t matter whether I connected I felt to those ethics or topics, what I needed most was to be assured that I was not a bad person. On the opposite end of ugly, I threw myself into building an appearance that encouraged compliments on my appearance. I wanted as many people as possible to believe or better yet, tell me outright tell me they thought I was beautiful. It didn’t matter to if I knew or connected with the individuals… I just needed the assurance that I was not ugly, and figured if I could convince them, maybe they could convince me back. Instead of exploring my disgust, I thought loving myself meant celebrating all my accomplishments. It didn’t matter that they were accomplishments I didn’t care about. I just wanted permission to celebrate and figured this was the only way I would be allowed. And to show I wasn’t weak, I competed with everyone, everything, and tortured my body to prove I was strong. It didn’t matter who I was beating, or if I was beating myself, I just wanted to trick everyone into believing I’d never let anything get in my way. In the relentless pursuit of not being all the things I feared the most, I became something else entirely and I didn’t know this person.

Before my codependency had a name, I never allowed myself to feel… much less allowing myself to learn to respond to my emotions in a healthy way. It never occurred to me to think about the emotional impacts of my self-rejection or to consider the possibility that these “negative” parts of my identity could have any value at all. I genuinely believed cutting off anything bad, ugly, disgusting and weak, meant I’d be able to rid myself of the shame that came along with it. I’m learning now that more rejection and denial can’t remove feelings of shame. In fact, the more I reject and deny parts of me, the more guilt I feel about leaving parts of me behind.

It’s human nature to yearn for a whole hearted life and one of the most human things to do is to love. I think that when we truly love something, we want that love to exude from every part of ourselves, even the parts of us that sometimes make us feel shame. Deep down inside, we know that without it, the love we give would be incomplete. By only defining myself by what I was not I didn’t actually free myself from any shame. I simply picked up an immense amount of guilt to go along with it. When I finally stopped running, I found myself just as connected to “bad, ugly, disgusting, and weak”, as ever before, only this time I also had to carry a “not” around with me too. Furthermore, I had no idea what I wanted, or what kind of person I actually wanted to be.

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned and I’m still learning is you can’t define who you are by convincing people of who you’re not. Even if they land on a beautiful and loving definition, it won’t land or stick for you. The goal of this life is not avoid who we are not, but to become fully who we are. Then from a deep place of self awareness, certainty, and absence of shame, choosing to share all that we are with the rest of the world. That way, when the world reflects us back to ourselves, and we become moved to the point of stillness, everything falls into place. It is in those moments that we know we’re exactly where we belong. If we don’t put in the work to embrace every part of who we are, we will never know who we’re capable of becoming, and the world won’t be able to either.

This disconnectedness with ourselves fuels so much of the pain and suffering that we all sit with. It’s exhausting to keep running from all the things we don’t want. It’s even more exhausting to look back and realize every ounce of effort to keep fighting has brought you nowhere closer to where you want to be. It only makes sense that imposter syndrome, depression, bipolar, adrenal fatigue, workaholism, obesity, anorexia, bulimia, self-harm, anger, sadness, and deep deep loneliness run rampant among modern day societies.

This world is visual and sees to believe. It’s easy to control what you want people to see and manipulate what people believe about your story. What is much harder is convincing ourselves that what people see is true. When it comes to who we think we are, our eyes are often enemies. Humans don’t see themselves the way others see us. We feel our way through. When we stop running and slow down to meet the places that we left behind, we get the chance to feel our way to alignment with our deepest truths. When we have nothing left to prove, to ourselves or to others, that’s where we can finally start to dream.

My greatest reflection of light today is realizing I want my life to matter regardless of what others think, and I want to be able to share it with with people who think their lives matter and that mine does too. I want to share and reflect back to each other in ways that make us feel whole. I want to move the world into stillness and help people realize they are exactly where they need to be. I’m grateful for this new thought and space to share about it, and also came up with this:

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In a codependent person’s mind, the greatest threat is an independent partner.
In an independent person’s mind, the greatest threat is a codependent partner.
In an interdependent person’s mind, there is no threat.
There is self awareness, mutual respect, and active choosing to move towards the things that feel like light.
—

Regardless of where you are at, what you’re wrestling with, or what you’re running away from, take a moment to consider how it would feel if all of it was enough. What if all of you was good? What would it take to believe there is no threat? What would you need to have to know that you are okay? What then would you be free to create? If this is something you’d like to explore and would like a consultation, let’s chat more. Either way, I hope you find your bravery and truth today, and that it whatever you find makes you feel like light.