All of Me

I cancelled Netflix to give up something for lent.

A couple hours of sitting in this intentional peace and quiet and I cant help but realize, Netflix was a mindless habit of passively investing into some fictional character’s story, because I was too afraid to face or invest into my own.

I read through social media old posts from years ago and what stood out was the deep gratitude I have for all the ways Previous-Me lived so hard. I followed through with plans to spend every possible moment exploring mountains. I travelled to tiny corners of the world twice a year, every year. And every time I met a new person I welcomed genuine friendship. This meant I couldn’t help but collect adventure buddies from all over the world everywhere I went. Ultimately this expanded on my ability do it all over again and dream about more and more places I could visit where I might visit with old pals and meet new ones along the way. I was far from perfect, but I lived like I had an unshakeable hope in the goodness and kindness of strangers. That was authentic living for me, and it made life pretty amazing.

Lately I’ve been trying new habits. With Covid and all the changes in the world, and especially the changes lately in my own life, I’ve learned to embracing the silence and pay attention to all that comes up within it. I’m so grateful to Present-Me for being open to this. This willingness to explore myself and my life exactly as it is (lockdown restrictions, single and living alone and all), is opening up a chance for me to find words to express my current reality rather than filling the void with someone else’s mindless noise. What’s coming up is the choice to believe in an endless capacity to love. However imperfect it might be right now, I’m loving to the best of my current ability. I’m choosing to believe that I’m drawing from an endless resource and I’m learning perspective is the ultimate game-changer.

When I choose to see beyond the idea that there is only one perfect way of love, then the process of learning, is just as impactful as the choice to love, or how we demonstrate our ability to love. When I am willing to explore different perspectives and new processes, every step is filled with possibility and it’s easy to stay curious about how to love better. Take everything I just said about love, and interchange it with anything you could want out of life, and the same equation works. I’m telling you, perspective is truly a game changer. On top of all this, I’m also trying to rekindle my friendship with that unshakeable hope. To be honest, I haven’t spent much time with Present-Me, but so far she seems to be really nice, (and a whole lot more meaningful than Netflix), so I’m grateful.

Lastly, there’s Future-Me. In my healthiest states, it’s easy to think of that girl as worthy of every effort. Everything I do that aligns with Past-Me, Present-Me, and Furture-Me, feels powerful because I know that I didn’t leave any of me behind. When I’m healthy, I live like any desire from past-me, present-me, and future me is possible and I’m worth the effort to make all of me proud. At my unhealthiest state though, I live like Future-Me doesn’t matter at all. In dark moments, I live like that part of me might as well not exist. In the truly darkest and unhealthiest moments however, I live like Future-Me is already dead before she’s even had the chance to live. I accept that previous me has not always been perfect and that she was not always kind to all of me. To bring that awareness into the present means present-me never has to treat any of me like that ever again.

Time moves forward whether we decide to get up and move along with it or not. So what are we doing to make sure we progress forward with it? How are we keeping up with the things we love? And how are we letting go of all that stuff we don’t love? What are we doing with the things we love so deeply, but don’t love us back the way we want and deserve?

I can’t change things about my past, or control what might happen in the future. All I can do is gratefully embrace everything that has helped me arrive to this present moment, and to live with unshakable hope for whatever is yet to come. All I have access to at any given moment is Present-Me. What I choose to do in each moment is what determines my alignment with all of who I am. Isn’t it funny that I’ve spent the least amount of time getting to know her, when I now realize, all I can do to honour all of me is spend more time with who I am, here and now?

If every moment is a choice and an opportunity to embrace and show kindness to all of me, that sounds like a good life. Simply put, I want that! I want a good life, a kind life, and a life that feels like light. So I’m going to lean into what’s important to me, address whatever is showing up for me, and be the kindness and the light that I want to see more of in this world.

Life is good.

For the first time in a long time… possibly the first time in forever, Previous-Me, Present-Me, and Future-Me all agree.